"UNPRESIDENTED" Parodies

by Sandy and Richard Riccardi

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about

With over 15 Million views on YouTube and Facebook, pianist Richard Riccardi and his third and final wife, Sandy, will have you in pain with laughter. That is their goal. Sheer pain. As if you need any more pain. Their blend of Tom Lehrer, Victor Borge, Madeleine Kahn and PDQ Bach, or, if you will, Captain and Tenille, Nichols and May, George Burns and Gracie Allen will have you nostalgic for the good old days when you had to lick stamps and untangle the phone cord. Cabaret Scenes Magazine calls it "A Musical SNL...One helluva rib-tickling and satisfying night out!"

Richard has played for such megastars as Tom Jones, Joel Gray, Martha Raye, Diahann Carrol, Clark "Mumbles" Terry, Wesla (or Weslia) Whitfield, Pinchas Zuckerman, and Dame Janet Baker. He was the associate conductor for the Third National Broadway Tour of "Annie". He has played with the San Francisco Symphony, the San Francisco Opera and the San Francisco Ballet.

Sandy Riccardi was called back for a ton of Broadway shows, Well, maybe not a ton but, like, four. Or was it three? Her first acting role was telling the NYC restaurant manager she had waitressing experience. This rapidly backfired with a tray of frozen strawberry daiquiris going down some customer's shirt. Some people get really touchy about stuff like that. In one show Sandy did get to wear a hat with Glenn Close's name tag still sewn in. She got her MM from Manhattan School of Music and did quite a bit of regional musical theater. Favorite roles include Maria in The Sound of Music, The Baroness in The Sound of Music, and Gretyl (at age 8) in The Sound of Music or "The Trifecta" as it's known. Also Lily in The Secret Garden, Marian the Librarian, and The Beggar Woman in Sweeney Todd. She is now far too old to play any of them and is looking forward to all those juicy roles that start with "Aunt" so and so.

Richard and Sandy started their YouTube career with their first political parody getting over one million views within two weeks. it was called "Hockey Mama For Obama, aka 'Don't Speak For Me Sarah Palin'". They have never looked back. Though on a current binge of Trump Administration Parodies, they frequently write non-political songs about the joys growing older and the perils of marriage. No, wait. I meant the joys of marriage and the perils of growing older. At least I think that's what I meant. Menopause brain. Sorry. Standby.

Here's what people are saying on YouTube about Sandy and Richard Riccardi:
"Genius."
"Hot and sexy with a great amount of cleverness."
"Too freakin’ funny."
"Really BRILLIANT satire - some of the best I've heard since since Tom Lehrer was in his heyday."
"Clever. Brilliant. Hysterical."
"For intelligence, wit and musicianship, this is at the top."
"Beautiful voice, brilliant lyrics, lovely delivery."
"VERY entertaining, VERY strong, VERY moving."
"Simply beautiful."
"This is one of the more brilliant things I’ve seen in my life."
"I ROARED with laughter."
"I laughed so hard I thought my ribcage would explode."
"I can’t stop laughing. So funny."
"Thoroughly amazing and hysterical."
"Brilliant political commentary."
"I’m in tears of laughter and adulation."
"Thank you. I’m still glowing and grinning and crying."
"Absolutely brilliant."
"Your voice makes me want to kill myself, U stupid liberal" (internet troll)

credits

released June 8, 2017

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about

Sandy and Richard Riccardi San Francisco, California

Rosie O'Donnell declared Sandy and Richard "MY FAVORITE NEW SINGING SONGWRITING TEAM" on Twitter this March. San Francisco- based Comedy Cabaret Couple, Sandy and Richard Riccardi are satirizing every thing within reach of a piano, specializing in progressive parody. Over 15 million views on social media. ... more

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Track Name: Boy From Mar-A-Lago
Tall and orange and rich and tubby
The boy from Mar-a-Lago goes walking
And when he passes, each one he passes goes,
(A$$hole! Blowhard! Windbag!)

Spending millions each vacation
He laughs as he rips off the nation
And when he passes each one he passes goes,
(You cut Meals On Wheels? Healthcare? PBS? NEA? P*ssy-Grabber! Tiny Hands)

Oh and I watch him so madly
How can I tell him I loathe him?
Yes, while he’s dining on lobster
And Melania stays in NYC
The bill comes, not to him, but me

How much money is he making
From presidential golf vacationing
At his own Mar-a-lago by the sea

Oh, is he running the country?
How can I tell if he’s working?
Yes, I would vote to impeach him
But each day when I walk to DC
I can’t find him he’s at the sea

If he works, no one will ever know
Cuz he’s holed up in Mar-a-Lago
laughing at his own
government money tree (spray tanned gobshite)
He’s living free (windbag!)
And chargin’ me (Fascist!)
Down by the sea (Bloviated sh*t-gibbon!)
Track Name: Chocolate Cake and 18 Holes
Chocolate Cake and 18 Holes
Help you forget your abysmal polls
But just shout “Fore” before you drop that bomb

Chcolate cake and 18 holes
Help you forget those Russian moles
And blowing up an airbase fills one with such calm (even when it's empty)

What kind of cake should they bake for me
Now that we are bombing old Afgani
Next week let’s bomb Germany
And take all their cake from their bakery (oh German)

Chocolate cake and 18 holes
Help you reach your presidential goals
Just drop a bomb and have a past-er-y

Life’s as good as it’s gonna get
Think of all the lands we haven’t bludgeoned yet!
I feel just like Marie Antoinette! What’s for dessert? Cake?
Angel food cake? Devil’s food cake? Impeach pie? Mm?
Track Name: Tinderly
A touch of sleeze is in the breeze, Tinderly.
It’s come to this to get a kiss, Tinderly.
Swipe left or swipe right,
It’s that kind of night,
We’ll meet geographically.

A face that’s nice on my device, Tinderly.
I can’t ignore the boy next door (if he’s free).
I’d drive (up to but no further than) ten miles for one of your smiles.
Unless a guy who’s closer by swipes right on me….

My love life sucks, I’m at Starbucks, mercy me.
My prospects dim, searching for him, desperately.
Well, here’s a nice guy,
I’ll give him a try (swipe right),
Oh God! He’s right next to me!

His photo shows a better nose, ain’t that swell.
He hid his gut; I hid my butt, what the hell.
His looks I’ll be lenient,
Just make it convenient.
To find romance with just a glance, so Tinderly
Track Name: SkyMall
A light-saber pen
A King Tut statue for the den
A doggy trampoline and then
A camping tent shaped like Big Ben

Oh now this is cool!
A zit-removing wonder tool
Attractive tiki bamboo stool (comes in a set of two)
A Quiddich broom from Hogwarts School

At the SkyMall
I can buy all of the crap I know I’ll be needing never
At the Skymall
I’m so bored I’ll shop my way all the way from Maine to friggin’ Denver
At SkyMall, that Skymall

SkyMall is where it starts
I’m broke before my plane departs
12 hours to kill until Bismark
Take my Visa number, you can take my name, just add it to my cart
At the SkyMall I can buy all of the crap I know I’ll be needing never
At the SkyMall Just a golf ball can require all my cash, but I feel better
At SkyMall
That SkyMall
Track Name: We Need A Little Xanax
Call up my doctor
I’m gonna need a ton of pharmaceuticals
Fill my prescriptions
Before I bite my nails down to the cuticles OW
For I need a little Xanax
Right this very minute,
Mild anti-depressants
Can’t put a dent in it
Oh I need a little Xanax
Right this very minute.
Oh Doctor dear now don’t be hesitant
Now that Donald Trump is president
Calm my anxiety
Bump up the serotonin and endorphin rush
Break up my Spilkes
It’s time we medicate that orange demon away
For we need a little Xanax
Right this very minute
Nothing stops the panics
We’re just living in it
Yes we need a little Xanax
Right this very minute
We need a little Xanax NOW

V.2
Tried all the naturals
I tried some mushroom tea and (rest) peyote again
Lavender essence,
I just thank God that marijuana’s legal here now
But I need a little Xanax
Something more exotic
Pass the oxycontin
Need a small narcotic
Yes I need a little morphine
Should I take up heroin?
Never have felt so dejected
What an asshole we elected
This is abysmal
This was the worst election I have ever seen.
More Pepto-Bismol
It’s time to get those knots out of my stomach please now
For I need a little Maalox
Need another Rolaid
Pass the Alka-Seltzer
Or some deadly nightshade
And we need some artificial
Happy ever after
We need a lot of Xanax now!
Track Name: Holiday Dinner Party
(intro)
I made turkey and stuffing and hot mashed potatoes
Yams and a ham and some fried green tomatoes
But I had forgot
What my friends could have or have not:

(verse)
Charlie could not eat cheddar
Cuz it clashes with his meds
Lee's on a low carb diet
Couldn't sample any breads

(verse)
Anya could not eat onions
cuz they filled her up with gas
Elsie could not have eggnog
cuz it knocked her on her a**

(bridge):
I made Martha Stewart's tart
Sweet and high-falutin'
that 6 people couldn't eat
cuz it contained gluten

(verse)
Sherman could not have shellfish
or he would asphyxiate
There wasn't one damn item
that could stay on Linda's plate


(2nd intro)
My souffle was a masterpiece, so light and airy
But my guests couldn't eat it cuz no one ate dairy
I broke down and wept:
If you're vegan, then why'd you accept?

(verse)
Penny got on her podium
on and on and on she went
about the evils of sodium (plus how!)
She's lactose intolerant

(verse)
Peter was prone to bloating
Couldn't eat the broccoli
Annie gets acid reflux
Everytime she looks at me

(bridge):
When I put the turkey down
Sarah had to say
"Ever since the world began,
I can't eat no tryptophan"

(verse)
Everyone at the table
Getting up in years, you see
Skipped the meal all together
Talked about their surgeries

(Tag)
So I said pass the beano and pour me some vino and screw it, next year Your House Please!
Track Name: Cat On My Lap
I can’t get up to get the door
I can’t get out of bed
For there’s this cat upon my lap
You’ll have to go instead

I need to get my needlepoint
My template and my thread
But there’s this cat upon my lap
You’ll have to go instead

The bikes and rakes and shovels
need to go back in the shed
But there’s this cat upon my lap
You’ll have to go instead

The laundry pile is three miles high
The children must be fed
But there’s this cat upon my lap
You’ll have to go instead

I’m getting ancient, old and gray
I really should be dead
But there’s this cat upon my lap
You’ll have to go instead
Track Name: Perfect Family
Well I was riding along the other day
When I stopped behind a mini-van, a big old Chevrolet
And it had those little stickman figures representing their family
Well there was one for the Daddy and one for the Mom
There were two-point-five children tagging along
and a cat and a dog and a Guinea pig and gosh, oh gee

It was the perfect family, the perfect family
All stuck up on the tail end of that mini van

(So I started wondering what it would look like if Richard and I put our family up on the back of the car like that, and here’s what we came up with):
There’d be my husband and me, and my two boys, then we’d add the boys’ dad and his wife (because they have a little sister over in that other house and she’s a real important part of their life)
My husband has a son a little younger than me (from a shot-gun situation back at university) And that wonderful son has three kids of his own

And it’s our perfect family, our perfect family,
It’s perfect because it’s ours
Our perfect family, our perfect family
More perfect than stickers on cars

Grandma who’s a hundred comes to live with us at times and she brings along three large Fijian nurses (they’re the best!)
Then we have another son who’s in and out of rehab, when he’s home we hide our wallets and our purses

Then we have another college kid who’s doing pretty good, but we never seem to hear from him till he’s running out of food
And the goldfish never seem to stick around for more than 7 days
Who the hell is this kid? Oh yeah. My son has a friend who doesn’t seem to have a home,
so we feed him and we clothe him and we give him a comb and no matter how we hint the kid just stays and stays and stays…. but he’s starting to grow on us

So it’s our perfect family, our perfect family
It’s perfect because it’s ours
Our perfect family, our perfect family
More perfect than stickers on cars

Our family is blessed even though it’s a mess to try to boil it down to stickers on a windshield Our great big blended, hyper-extended, lovingly defended, frequently on-the-mended, perfect family!
Track Name: The Brat and the Screen
My son arrived just the other day
He came to the world in a usual way
And he had things to learn and words to say
He watched Baby Einstein everyday
And he even figured out Angry Birds on my phone
And he did it all on his own, yeah,
The genius did it on his own

But now the brat seems unable to get off the screen
I ask him nicely but he gets real mean
A tantrum is a coming and I can’t say why
But I’ll get him off my i-Pad
I know I’ll get him off my phone..

I never should have started this BS
I never should have given him that damn DS
But there were chores to do, my brain was fried
I needed just to keep him occupied
So Mario and Luigi were his earliest friends
The friendship that never ends
When the hell’s it gonna end?

Cuz now the brat seems unable to get off the screen
I ask him nicely but he gets real mean
When you gettin’ off, son? I don’t know when,
But we’ll have dinner then, Ma
I know we’ll have a good meal then

If the nuclear holocaust was coming through
He’d still be sittin’ playing TF2
Just one more round, just 3 more kills
He thinks he’s really learning true life skills
How about some baseball or a climb in the tree?
Or how ‘bout just talking to me, kid.
I sure miss you talking to me
At least we know what he’ll be when he turns eighteen
A zombie-killing machine,
An expert zombie-killing machine

Cuz the brat seems unable to get off the screen
Addicted to the rush of his own dopamine
Wanna burn our computers in a great big blaze
Pull my rat out of the maze, yeah
My little rat out of the maze
Track Name: Bed, Bath and Beyond (Wedding Registry)
Your big wedding has a lotta lotta getting of the items that you need to succeed in life
The nice dishes that you’ll use to make delicious meals
And salad spinners, pots pans and a paring knife
And oyster forks and lemon forks and forks for hot fondue
And blenders, toasters, shower curtains, towels for the loo
And sheets on which your guests all know just what you’re gonna do
All in the bed, the bath and beyond!

Your second wedding is the meeting and duetting of two people who both have way way way too many things
In order to permit the blending of these piles of sh...eets and pillowcases, dishes pots and pans and rings you gotta give away a lot of stuff you did accrue
Two blenders and two vacuums and two sets of curtains, too
And it’s tacky asking people twice to give more stuff to you
All for the bed the bath and beyond

Your third wedding sees your registry at Walgreen’s for a good supply of Polygrip and Lipitor
A big walk-in tub that’s perfect for two people, and an IHOP gift certificate, and not much more
Some Ibuprofen, Icy Hot and cases full of wine
Some tickets to the theater, and fuzzy slippers fine
And just two Costco coffins ‘cuz they come in sets of nine, all for the Bed, the Bath and Beyond!
Track Name: Tomorrow
I'll vacuum the rugs tomorrow,
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow,
They'll get done.
I'll wipe up the dust tomorrow,
Clear away the cobwebs through my sorrow,
Oh, what fun.
When it comes time to scrub the tub and toilet,
I just grab my Chablis with glee and say -
“I'll clean up the house tomorrow.
I’m just gonna hang out till tomorrow,
Come what may!”
Tomorrow, tomorrow,
I'll do it tomorrow,
It's only a day away!

I'll go to the store tomorrow,
Guess the kids should eat before tomorrow,
(That's today...!?!)
I'll launder the clothes tomorrow,
Guess we’ll all just have to "go commando"
One more day.
When I climb into bed, I'm dead and tired.
But my husband starts in, he’ll grin and say -
"Do I have to beg or borrow,
Can I get some love before tomorrow?"
But I'll say -
“Tomorrow, tomorrow,
Let’s do it tomorrow,
Tomorrow’s your lucky day!"

To-morrow, tomorrow,
I love ya, tomorrow,
You’re always a day --- a --- way!!
Track Name: Silver Foxes
A young pianist at a hotel bar
Performs for tips left in a crystal jar
His talent far exceeds this silly gig
But he must wait to make it big
And so he plays into the wealthy scene
He’s just beginning this bizarre beguine
He knows the ones who’ll leave him fully cashed
The older ladies getting trashed

He calls them
“Silver Foxes’ on the prowl
Dripping diamonds
Needing a pal
He must play their favorite tunes
He must light their cigarettes
He calls them Silver Foxes
Dressed in fur
Drinking gin by the case
And they sit down by him and they nestle right in
Blowing smoke in in his face

Our young pianist, feeling slightly used
Because he’s trapped and cannot be excused
His bench will slowly then his prison be
And he will yearn to be set free
But now he’s married and has mouths to feed (poor bastard)
He wonders what made him decide to breed (don’t we all?)
For now he’ll never get to leave this room
And every night he’ll meet his doom

(Dialogue)

His soul will die here if he doesn’t leave
But he has nothing better up his sleeve
He knows inside him there must be a way
But as for now he’ll sit and play
Play for us Silver Foxes on the prowl
Dripping diamonds needing a pal
He must play our favorite tunes, He must light our cigarettes,
because we Silver Foxes pay the bills and his money is tight
So go put on your tux and bring home the big bucks, flirt your ass off tonight! OLE!
Track Name: Starbucks Aria
Grande, Venti
Trenta Americano caffe
Dolce latte, mocha frappuccino
Macchiata, Espresso (con panna)
Vanilla latte skinny, pukey pukey pukey

Sumatra, wocahana
Ethiopian Burundi N(cluck)gozi
Kenya Arabica Veranda
Pike Place Roast
House Blend

Sugar, Crema
My abdomen is Puccini
Quanta Costa?
Follie! Follie! Ahhhh!
Screw it, make it a double!
Track Name: Kakistocracy
With all her books unread, Betsy DeVos will head
the nation’s education agency
She bought her way into the
Kakistocracy

Scott Pruitt really fracked up Oklahoma
Practic’lly destroying it structurally
He’ll head the EPA of (the)
Kakistocracy

What is it called if I’d take unqualified
old billionaires, extolified
and let them run our democracy?
Kakistocracy!

Old Mr. Sessions’ fight to keep his voters white
Has had the KKK on his settee
A white supremists’s part of (the)
Kakistocracy

And Oily oil execs, one by the name of Rex,
will head Department of State naturally
Big Oil’s the biggest part of (the)
Kakistocracy

While Hill’ry got the ax for courting Goldman Sachs
Steve Mnuchin heads up the Tre-easury
Now Goldman Sachs is part of (the)
Kakistocracy

Rick Perry dancing star, Can’t recall you see
His own depar-tment of energy
And should someone rebuke him? Nuke’em!

With Bannon by Don’s side watch out for genocide
We’ve seen this all before in history
When CaCa comes to power, Kakistocracy
Track Name: The CPAP Song
When your CPAP blows into my ear, dear
When your CPAP blows into my ear
To sweet dreams I’ll arrive, cuz I know you’re alive
When your CPAP blows into my ear, dear

When you poot those dainty little poots, toots
When you poot those dainty little poots
I will try to stay calm though it smells like napalm
When you poot those dainty little poots, toots

How I wail when your toenail impales me
When you snore the whole floor seems to shake
First you’re hot, then you’re cold
It’s my age, so I’m told
But without you I’d never wish to wake

Though your knee is sticking in my side, bride
Though your elbow looms dangerously near
I will still hold you tight and be glad through the night
When your CPAP blows into my ear
Track Name: His Favorite Things
Boobies and Bouncers and Boulders and Beauties

Tatas and Twin Peaks and Titties and Tooties

Knobs, knockers, Nancys and nipples with rings

These are a few of his favorite things. (bounce bounce, bounce bounce)



Melons and Mangos, Casabas, Tomatoes

Big Macs and Whoppers and Buttered Potatoes

Happy Meal Toys and the Joys that they bring

These are the things that will make my man sing. (milkshakes milkshakes)


Mammals like Camels and Kittens and Puppies

Blue Whales and Jellyfish, Flounders and Guppies

Big Sweater Bunnies or Little Bee Stings

These are a few of his favorite things


When he’s testy, when he’s tired,

when he’s feeling sad

I simply uncover his favorite things

And then he won’t feel so bad



RR: Headlights and Blinkers and Airbags that fly out

Bumpers with Dagmars that could poke your eye out

Cushions in back seats with Nice Bouncy Springs

These are a few of his favorite things



Cannons and Rifles, Bazookas and Pistols

Rockets and Warheads, Torpedoes and Missiles

Bombs in a Bullet Bra held up with strings

These are a few of his favorite things


Lucy and Ethel, and Laurel and Hardy

Simon and Garfunkel play at the party

Batman and Robin, and Sonny and Cher

Rodgers and Hammerstein, God what a pair!

It’s a breeze to make him happy,

and that makes me glad

I simply uncover his favorite things

T: And then we don't feel so bad!
Track Name: The N.C. Hoo Hoo Inspector
I’m a brand new true blue hoo hoo inspector
In the beautiful state of old North Carolina, If you come in here to pee,
And I think the she’s are he’s,
I’ll just have to make sure you really do have va-gi---
ant birth certificate

I’m brand new true blue hoo hoo inspector
Watching you every time you go to the can
Gotta check your fanny to make sure you’re not a tranny
Oh Excuse me Miss Ann Coulter! I thought you were a man!

It’s all to keep perversion at bay
(to prevent depravity)
to keep all the perverts away
I get to search your cavity!
Mwahahaha! God I LOVE this job!!

I’m a brand new true blue hoo hoo inspector
And I need to know if you hail from Mars or Venus
Gotta take a little peek at your God-given physique,
Sir I really do need to see with some speed your pe-----
ices of identification

Tag: Hey Lady, what’s your story
Oh! I didn’t recognize you in that wig Pat McCrory
But thanks for the job!
Cuz nothing could be finer than to pee in Carolina every morning!
Track Name: Goodbye, Goodwill
Hello, Goodwill
I love your sweet embrace
I feel my heartbeat quicken as I walk into your space
Hello, Goodwill, I'm ready to proceed
I’m here to find that item that I didn't know I need

Oh look! I could get 7 pairs of mom jeans
Or dresses made for 1980's prom queens

Oh Dear, Goodwill
I'm going to the dogs
I got a gnarly fungus from your sassy leather clogs
Oh Damn, Goodwill
A little problem here
I just bought back a sweater that I gave to you last year

I need to stop I need to find my borders
I fear that I'll end up one day on Hoarders

Oh, hell, Goodwill, We've had our last hurrah
4 coffee makers each with leaks
was really the last straw

I'm sick of all this crap
I'm heading for the door
I always donate three big bags
but then come home with four

Goodbye, Goodwill
You're not so debonair
the truth is this you really reek of mildew and despair

Your tantalizing treasure hunt is growing awfully stale
And so I say Goodbye
To all of your good buys
I heard Salvation Army has a sale!
Track Name: Unfriend Me
Unfriend Me
Just click the little box that says unfriend me
You don’t like what I say so just unfriend me
Don’t troll my timeline

I said it
You don’t agree with what I said
I get it
But calling me bad names means you don’t get it
Just block me, that’s fine

You like all my pictures of little kitties
But now all my actual opinions twist your titties

Unfriend me
Just click the little link that says unfriend me
Don’t worry what I think just please unfriend me
And show some aplomb

Just unfriend me
It won’t offend me
You know that you’ll always be my mom
Track Name: Never Did I See Before
Never could I see a sunset
Never would I see the glow
Never could I tell you what beauty did I see
Never did I see before

Never did I see the sunrise
It was somehow kept from view
I could never see what was always there for me
Never did I see before

You brought beauty to my sight
You opened up my eyes and then
All around me I could see
All the good that’s always been

Flowers blooming in the sunshine
Words cannot express my joy
If it weren’t for you
I wouldn’t see at all
Never did I see before
Track Name: I Used To Love A Gynecologist
In all my endeavors to find a great lover
I must say I’ve met with great variation
When all is said and done under the cover
Love is simply a hazard of his occupation

I used to love a gynecologist
I used to think he was a doll
It turns out he was a misogynist
He said, “You seen one, you seen ‘em all”

I used to love a rich optometrist
But everytime we were in bed
He said “Which do you like better, One? Or Two? One? or Two?”
It drove me off my blinking head

The lawyer was smart and handsome
but a stickler for detail
He made me sign on the dotted line
In the event his equipment should fail

I used to love a family dentist
But he had such an irritating trait
While making amor he’d shout, “That’s a three! That’s a four!
Now a seven. And oh GOD, an eight!”

The philosopher only thought about doing it
The mortician kept saying “Hold still’
The landscaper tried hard to mow my front yard
The cable guy came late then sent me a bill

Then on a pianist I did settle
He got the fingering just right
He knew the purpose of the middle pedal
And keeps me singing all night!