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"UNPRESIDENTED" Parodies

by Sandy and Richard Riccardi

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1.
Tall and orange and rich and tubby The boy from Mar-a-Lago goes walking And when he passes, each one he passes goes, (A$$hole! Blowhard! Windbag!) Spending millions each vacation He laughs as he rips off the nation And when he passes each one he passes goes, (You cut Meals On Wheels? Healthcare? PBS? NEA? P*ssy-Grabber! Tiny Hands) Oh and I watch him so madly How can I tell him I loathe him? Yes, while he’s dining on lobster And Melania stays in NYC The bill comes, not to him, but me How much money is he making From presidential golf vacationing At his own Mar-a-lago by the sea Oh, is he running the country? How can I tell if he’s working? Yes, I would vote to impeach him But each day when I walk to DC I can’t find him he’s at the sea If he works, no one will ever know Cuz he’s holed up in Mar-a-Lago laughing at his own government money tree (spray tanned gobshite) He’s living free (windbag!) And chargin’ me (Fascist!) Down by the sea (Bloviated sh*t-gibbon!)
2.
Chocolate Cake and 18 Holes Help you forget your abysmal polls But just shout “Fore” before you drop that bomb Chcolate cake and 18 holes Help you forget those Russian moles And blowing up an airbase fills one with such calm (even when it's empty) What kind of cake should they bake for me Now that we are bombing old Afgani Next week let’s bomb Germany And take all their cake from their bakery (oh German) Chocolate cake and 18 holes Help you reach your presidential goals Just drop a bomb and have a past-er-y Life’s as good as it’s gonna get Think of all the lands we haven’t bludgeoned yet! I feel just like Marie Antoinette! What’s for dessert? Cake? Angel food cake? Devil’s food cake? Impeach pie? Mm?
3.
Tinderly 02:30
A touch of sleeze is in the breeze, Tinderly. It’s come to this to get a kiss, Tinderly. Swipe left or swipe right, It’s that kind of night, We’ll meet geographically. A face that’s nice on my device, Tinderly. I can’t ignore the boy next door (if he’s free). I’d drive (up to but no further than) ten miles for one of your smiles. Unless a guy who’s closer by swipes right on me…. My love life sucks, I’m at Starbucks, mercy me. My prospects dim, searching for him, desperately. Well, here’s a nice guy, I’ll give him a try (swipe right), Oh God! He’s right next to me! His photo shows a better nose, ain’t that swell. He hid his gut; I hid my butt, what the hell. His looks I’ll be lenient, Just make it convenient. To find romance with just a glance, so Tinderly
4.
SkyMall 03:01
A light-saber pen A King Tut statue for the den A doggy trampoline and then A camping tent shaped like Big Ben Oh now this is cool! A zit-removing wonder tool Attractive tiki bamboo stool (comes in a set of two) A Quiddich broom from Hogwarts School At the SkyMall I can buy all of the crap I know I’ll be needing never At the Skymall I’m so bored I’ll shop my way all the way from Maine to friggin’ Denver At SkyMall, that Skymall SkyMall is where it starts I’m broke before my plane departs 12 hours to kill until Bismark Take my Visa number, you can take my name, just add it to my cart At the SkyMall I can buy all of the crap I know I’ll be needing never At the SkyMall Just a golf ball can require all my cash, but I feel better At SkyMall That SkyMall
5.
Call up my doctor I’m gonna need a ton of pharmaceuticals Fill my prescriptions Before I bite my nails down to the cuticles OW For I need a little Xanax Right this very minute, Mild anti-depressants Can’t put a dent in it Oh I need a little Xanax Right this very minute. Oh Doctor dear now don’t be hesitant Now that Donald Trump is president Calm my anxiety Bump up the serotonin and endorphin rush Break up my Spilkes It’s time we medicate that orange demon away For we need a little Xanax Right this very minute Nothing stops the panics We’re just living in it Yes we need a little Xanax Right this very minute We need a little Xanax NOW V.2 Tried all the naturals I tried some mushroom tea and (rest) peyote again Lavender essence, I just thank God that marijuana’s legal here now But I need a little Xanax Something more exotic Pass the oxycontin Need a small narcotic Yes I need a little morphine Should I take up heroin? Never have felt so dejected What an asshole we elected This is abysmal This was the worst election I have ever seen. More Pepto-Bismol It’s time to get those knots out of my stomach please now For I need a little Maalox Need another Rolaid Pass the Alka-Seltzer Or some deadly nightshade And we need some artificial Happy ever after We need a lot of Xanax now!
6.
(intro) I made turkey and stuffing and hot mashed potatoes Yams and a ham and some fried green tomatoes But I had forgot What my friends could have or have not: (verse) Charlie could not eat cheddar Cuz it clashes with his meds Lee's on a low carb diet Couldn't sample any breads (verse) Anya could not eat onions cuz they filled her up with gas Elsie could not have eggnog cuz it knocked her on her a** (bridge): I made Martha Stewart's tart Sweet and high-falutin' that 6 people couldn't eat cuz it contained gluten (verse) Sherman could not have shellfish or he would asphyxiate There wasn't one damn item that could stay on Linda's plate (2nd intro) My souffle was a masterpiece, so light and airy But my guests couldn't eat it cuz no one ate dairy I broke down and wept: If you're vegan, then why'd you accept? (verse) Penny got on her podium on and on and on she went about the evils of sodium (plus how!) She's lactose intolerant (verse) Peter was prone to bloating Couldn't eat the broccoli Annie gets acid reflux Everytime she looks at me (bridge): When I put the turkey down Sarah had to say "Ever since the world began, I can't eat no tryptophan" (verse) Everyone at the table Getting up in years, you see Skipped the meal all together Talked about their surgeries (Tag) So I said pass the beano and pour me some vino and screw it, next year Your House Please!
7.
I can’t get up to get the door I can’t get out of bed For there’s this cat upon my lap You’ll have to go instead I need to get my needlepoint My template and my thread But there’s this cat upon my lap You’ll have to go instead The bikes and rakes and shovels need to go back in the shed But there’s this cat upon my lap You’ll have to go instead The laundry pile is three miles high The children must be fed But there’s this cat upon my lap You’ll have to go instead I’m getting ancient, old and gray I really should be dead But there’s this cat upon my lap You’ll have to go instead
8.
Well I was riding along the other day When I stopped behind a mini-van, a big old Chevrolet And it had those little stickman figures representing their family Well there was one for the Daddy and one for the Mom There were two-point-five children tagging along and a cat and a dog and a Guinea pig and gosh, oh gee It was the perfect family, the perfect family All stuck up on the tail end of that mini van (So I started wondering what it would look like if Richard and I put our family up on the back of the car like that, and here’s what we came up with): There’d be my husband and me, and my two boys, then we’d add the boys’ dad and his wife (because they have a little sister over in that other house and she’s a real important part of their life) My husband has a son a little younger than me (from a shot-gun situation back at university) And that wonderful son has three kids of his own And it’s our perfect family, our perfect family, It’s perfect because it’s ours Our perfect family, our perfect family More perfect than stickers on cars Grandma who’s a hundred comes to live with us at times and she brings along three large Fijian nurses (they’re the best!) Then we have another son who’s in and out of rehab, when he’s home we hide our wallets and our purses Then we have another college kid who’s doing pretty good, but we never seem to hear from him till he’s running out of food And the goldfish never seem to stick around for more than 7 days Who the hell is this kid? Oh yeah. My son has a friend who doesn’t seem to have a home, so we feed him and we clothe him and we give him a comb and no matter how we hint the kid just stays and stays and stays…. but he’s starting to grow on us So it’s our perfect family, our perfect family It’s perfect because it’s ours Our perfect family, our perfect family More perfect than stickers on cars Our family is blessed even though it’s a mess to try to boil it down to stickers on a windshield Our great big blended, hyper-extended, lovingly defended, frequently on-the-mended, perfect family!
9.
My son arrived just the other day He came to the world in a usual way And he had things to learn and words to say He watched Baby Einstein everyday And he even figured out Angry Birds on my phone And he did it all on his own, yeah, The genius did it on his own But now the brat seems unable to get off the screen I ask him nicely but he gets real mean A tantrum is a coming and I can’t say why But I’ll get him off my i-Pad I know I’ll get him off my phone.. I never should have started this BS I never should have given him that damn DS But there were chores to do, my brain was fried I needed just to keep him occupied So Mario and Luigi were his earliest friends The friendship that never ends When the hell’s it gonna end? Cuz now the brat seems unable to get off the screen I ask him nicely but he gets real mean When you gettin’ off, son? I don’t know when, But we’ll have dinner then, Ma I know we’ll have a good meal then If the nuclear holocaust was coming through He’d still be sittin’ playing TF2 Just one more round, just 3 more kills He thinks he’s really learning true life skills How about some baseball or a climb in the tree? Or how ‘bout just talking to me, kid. I sure miss you talking to me At least we know what he’ll be when he turns eighteen A zombie-killing machine, An expert zombie-killing machine Cuz the brat seems unable to get off the screen Addicted to the rush of his own dopamine Wanna burn our computers in a great big blaze Pull my rat out of the maze, yeah My little rat out of the maze
10.
Your big wedding has a lotta lotta getting of the items that you need to succeed in life The nice dishes that you’ll use to make delicious meals And salad spinners, pots pans and a paring knife And oyster forks and lemon forks and forks for hot fondue And blenders, toasters, shower curtains, towels for the loo And sheets on which your guests all know just what you’re gonna do All in the bed, the bath and beyond! Your second wedding is the meeting and duetting of two people who both have way way way too many things In order to permit the blending of these piles of sh...eets and pillowcases, dishes pots and pans and rings you gotta give away a lot of stuff you did accrue Two blenders and two vacuums and two sets of curtains, too And it’s tacky asking people twice to give more stuff to you All for the bed the bath and beyond Your third wedding sees your registry at Walgreen’s for a good supply of Polygrip and Lipitor A big walk-in tub that’s perfect for two people, and an IHOP gift certificate, and not much more Some Ibuprofen, Icy Hot and cases full of wine Some tickets to the theater, and fuzzy slippers fine And just two Costco coffins ‘cuz they come in sets of nine, all for the Bed, the Bath and Beyond!
11.
Tomorrow 02:36
I'll vacuum the rugs tomorrow, Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, They'll get done. I'll wipe up the dust tomorrow, Clear away the cobwebs through my sorrow, Oh, what fun. When it comes time to scrub the tub and toilet, I just grab my Chablis with glee and say - “I'll clean up the house tomorrow. I’m just gonna hang out till tomorrow, Come what may!” Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow, It's only a day away! I'll go to the store tomorrow, Guess the kids should eat before tomorrow, (That's today...!?!) I'll launder the clothes tomorrow, Guess we’ll all just have to "go commando" One more day. When I climb into bed, I'm dead and tired. But my husband starts in, he’ll grin and say - "Do I have to beg or borrow, Can I get some love before tomorrow?" But I'll say - “Tomorrow, tomorrow, Let’s do it tomorrow, Tomorrow’s your lucky day!" To-morrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, You’re always a day --- a --- way!!
12.
Silver Foxes 05:10
A young pianist at a hotel bar Performs for tips left in a crystal jar His talent far exceeds this silly gig But he must wait to make it big And so he plays into the wealthy scene He’s just beginning this bizarre beguine He knows the ones who’ll leave him fully cashed The older ladies getting trashed He calls them “Silver Foxes’ on the prowl Dripping diamonds Needing a pal He must play their favorite tunes He must light their cigarettes He calls them Silver Foxes Dressed in fur Drinking gin by the case And they sit down by him and they nestle right in Blowing smoke in in his face Our young pianist, feeling slightly used Because he’s trapped and cannot be excused His bench will slowly then his prison be And he will yearn to be set free But now he’s married and has mouths to feed (poor bastard) He wonders what made him decide to breed (don’t we all?) For now he’ll never get to leave this room And every night he’ll meet his doom (Dialogue) His soul will die here if he doesn’t leave But he has nothing better up his sleeve He knows inside him there must be a way But as for now he’ll sit and play Play for us Silver Foxes on the prowl Dripping diamonds needing a pal He must play our favorite tunes, He must light our cigarettes, because we Silver Foxes pay the bills and his money is tight So go put on your tux and bring home the big bucks, flirt your ass off tonight! OLE!
13.
Grande, Venti Trenta Americano caffe Dolce latte, mocha frappuccino Macchiata, Espresso (con panna) Vanilla latte skinny, pukey pukey pukey Sumatra, wocahana Ethiopian Burundi N(cluck)gozi Kenya Arabica Veranda Pike Place Roast House Blend Sugar, Crema My abdomen is Puccini Quanta Costa? Follie! Follie! Ahhhh! Screw it, make it a double!
14.
Kakistocracy 02:20
With all her books unread, Betsy DeVos will head the nation’s education agency She bought her way into the Kakistocracy Scott Pruitt really fracked up Oklahoma Practic’lly destroying it structurally He’ll head the EPA of (the) Kakistocracy What is it called if I’d take unqualified old billionaires, extolified and let them run our democracy? Kakistocracy! Old Mr. Sessions’ fight to keep his voters white Has had the KKK on his settee A white supremists’s part of (the) Kakistocracy And Oily oil execs, one by the name of Rex, will head Department of State naturally Big Oil’s the biggest part of (the) Kakistocracy While Hill’ry got the ax for courting Goldman Sachs Steve Mnuchin heads up the Tre-easury Now Goldman Sachs is part of (the) Kakistocracy Rick Perry dancing star, Can’t recall you see His own depar-tment of energy And should someone rebuke him? Nuke’em! With Bannon by Don’s side watch out for genocide We’ve seen this all before in history When CaCa comes to power, Kakistocracy
15.
When your CPAP blows into my ear, dear When your CPAP blows into my ear To sweet dreams I’ll arrive, cuz I know you’re alive When your CPAP blows into my ear, dear When you poot those dainty little poots, toots When you poot those dainty little poots I will try to stay calm though it smells like napalm When you poot those dainty little poots, toots How I wail when your toenail impales me When you snore the whole floor seems to shake First you’re hot, then you’re cold It’s my age, so I’m told But without you I’d never wish to wake Though your knee is sticking in my side, bride Though your elbow looms dangerously near I will still hold you tight and be glad through the night When your CPAP blows into my ear
16.
Boobies and Bouncers and Boulders and Beauties Tatas and Twin Peaks and Titties and Tooties Knobs, knockers, Nancys and nipples with rings These are a few of his favorite things. (bounce bounce, bounce bounce) Melons and Mangos, Casabas, Tomatoes Big Macs and Whoppers and Buttered Potatoes Happy Meal Toys and the Joys that they bring These are the things that will make my man sing. (milkshakes milkshakes) Mammals like Camels and Kittens and Puppies Blue Whales and Jellyfish, Flounders and Guppies Big Sweater Bunnies or Little Bee Stings These are a few of his favorite things When he’s testy, when he’s tired, when he’s feeling sad I simply uncover his favorite things And then he won’t feel so bad RR: Headlights and Blinkers and Airbags that fly out Bumpers with Dagmars that could poke your eye out Cushions in back seats with Nice Bouncy Springs These are a few of his favorite things Cannons and Rifles, Bazookas and Pistols Rockets and Warheads, Torpedoes and Missiles Bombs in a Bullet Bra held up with strings These are a few of his favorite things Lucy and Ethel, and Laurel and Hardy Simon and Garfunkel play at the party Batman and Robin, and Sonny and Cher Rodgers and Hammerstein, God what a pair! It’s a breeze to make him happy, and that makes me glad I simply uncover his favorite things T: And then we don't feel so bad!
17.
I’m a brand new true blue hoo hoo inspector In the beautiful state of old North Carolina, If you come in here to pee, And I think the she’s are he’s, I’ll just have to make sure you really do have va-gi--- ant birth certificate I’m brand new true blue hoo hoo inspector Watching you every time you go to the can Gotta check your fanny to make sure you’re not a tranny Oh Excuse me Miss Ann Coulter! I thought you were a man! It’s all to keep perversion at bay (to prevent depravity) to keep all the perverts away I get to search your cavity! Mwahahaha! God I LOVE this job!! I’m a brand new true blue hoo hoo inspector And I need to know if you hail from Mars or Venus Gotta take a little peek at your God-given physique, Sir I really do need to see with some speed your pe----- ices of identification Tag: Hey Lady, what’s your story Oh! I didn’t recognize you in that wig Pat McCrory But thanks for the job! Cuz nothing could be finer than to pee in Carolina every morning!
18.
Hello, Goodwill I love your sweet embrace I feel my heartbeat quicken as I walk into your space Hello, Goodwill, I'm ready to proceed I’m here to find that item that I didn't know I need Oh look! I could get 7 pairs of mom jeans Or dresses made for 1980's prom queens Oh Dear, Goodwill I'm going to the dogs I got a gnarly fungus from your sassy leather clogs Oh Damn, Goodwill A little problem here I just bought back a sweater that I gave to you last year I need to stop I need to find my borders I fear that I'll end up one day on Hoarders Oh, hell, Goodwill, We've had our last hurrah 4 coffee makers each with leaks was really the last straw I'm sick of all this crap I'm heading for the door I always donate three big bags but then come home with four Goodbye, Goodwill You're not so debonair the truth is this you really reek of mildew and despair Your tantalizing treasure hunt is growing awfully stale And so I say Goodbye To all of your good buys I heard Salvation Army has a sale!
19.
Unfriend Me 01:44
Unfriend Me Just click the little box that says unfriend me You don’t like what I say so just unfriend me Don’t troll my timeline I said it You don’t agree with what I said I get it But calling me bad names means you don’t get it Just block me, that’s fine You like all my pictures of little kitties But now all my actual opinions twist your titties Unfriend me Just click the little link that says unfriend me Don’t worry what I think just please unfriend me And show some aplomb Just unfriend me It won’t offend me You know that you’ll always be my mom
20.
Never could I see a sunset Never would I see the glow Never could I tell you what beauty did I see Never did I see before Never did I see the sunrise It was somehow kept from view I could never see what was always there for me Never did I see before You brought beauty to my sight You opened up my eyes and then All around me I could see All the good that’s always been Flowers blooming in the sunshine Words cannot express my joy If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t see at all Never did I see before
21.
In all my endeavors to find a great lover I must say I’ve met with great variation When all is said and done under the cover Love is simply a hazard of his occupation I used to love a gynecologist I used to think he was a doll It turns out he was a misogynist He said, “You seen one, you seen ‘em all” I used to love a rich optometrist But everytime we were in bed He said “Which do you like better, One? Or Two? One? or Two?” It drove me off my blinking head The lawyer was smart and handsome but a stickler for detail He made me sign on the dotted line In the event his equipment should fail I used to love a family dentist But he had such an irritating trait While making amor he’d shout, “That’s a three! That’s a four! Now a seven. And oh GOD, an eight!” The philosopher only thought about doing it The mortician kept saying “Hold still’ The landscaper tried hard to mow my front yard The cable guy came late then sent me a bill Then on a pianist I did settle He got the fingering just right He knew the purpose of the middle pedal And keeps me singing all night!

about

With over 35 Million views on YouTube and Facebook, pianist Richard Riccardi and his third and final wife, Sandy, will have you in pain with laughter. That is their goal. Sheer pain. As if you need any more pain. Their blend of Tom Lehrer, Victor Borge, Madeleine Kahn and PDQ Bach, or, if you will, Captain and Tenille, Nichols and May, George Burns and Gracie Allen will have you nostalgic for the good old days when you had to lick stamps and untangle the phone cord. Cabaret Scenes Magazine calls it "A Musical SNL...One helluva rib-tickling and satisfying night out!"

Richard has played for such megastars as Tom Jones, Joel Gray, Martha Raye, Diahann Carrol, Clark "Mumbles" Terry, Wesla (or Weslia) Whitfield, Pinchas Zuckerman, and Dame Janet Baker. He was the associate conductor for the Third National Broadway Tour of "Annie". He has played with the San Francisco Symphony, the San Francisco Opera and the San Francisco Ballet.

Sandy Riccardi was called back for a ton of Broadway shows, Well, maybe not a ton but, like, four. Or was it three? Her first acting role was telling the NYC restaurant manager she had waitressing experience. This rapidly backfired with a tray of frozen strawberry daiquiris going down some customer's shirt. Some people get really touchy about stuff like that. In one show Sandy did get to wear a hat with Glenn Close's name tag still sewn in. She got her MM from Manhattan School of Music and did quite a bit of regional musical theater. Favorite roles include Maria in The Sound of Music, The Baroness in The Sound of Music, and Gretyl (at age 8) in The Sound of Music or "The Trifecta" as it's known. Also Lily in The Secret Garden, Marian the Librarian, and The Beggar Woman in Sweeney Todd. She is now far too old to play any of them and is looking forward to all those juicy roles that start with "Aunt" so and so.

Richard and Sandy started their YouTube career with their first political parody getting over one million views within two weeks. it was called "Hockey Mama For Obama, aka 'Don't Speak For Me Sarah Palin'". They have never looked back. Though on a current binge of Trump Administration Parodies, they frequently write non-political songs about the joys growing older and the perils of marriage. No, wait. I meant the joys of marriage and the perils of growing older. At least I think that's what I meant. Menopause brain. Sorry. Standby.

Here's what people are saying on YouTube about Sandy and Richard Riccardi:
"Genius."
"Hot and sexy with a great amount of cleverness."
"Too freakin’ funny."
"Really BRILLIANT satire - some of the best I've heard since since Tom Lehrer was in his heyday."
"Clever. Brilliant. Hysterical."
"For intelligence, wit and musicianship, this is at the top."
"Beautiful voice, brilliant lyrics, lovely delivery."
"VERY entertaining, VERY strong, VERY moving."
"Simply beautiful."
"This is one of the more brilliant things I’ve seen in my life."
"I ROARED with laughter."
"I laughed so hard I thought my ribcage would explode."
"I can’t stop laughing. So funny."
"Thoroughly amazing and hysterical."
"Brilliant political commentary."
"I’m in tears of laughter and adulation."
"Thank you. I’m still glowing and grinning and crying."
"Absolutely brilliant."
"Your voice makes me want to kill myself, U stupid liberal" (internet troll)

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released June 8, 2017

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Sandy and Richard Riccardi San Francisco, California

Rosie O'Donnell declared Sandy and Richard "MY FAVORITE NEW SINGING SONGWRITING TEAM" on Twitter this March. San Francisco- based Comedy Cabaret Couple, Sandy and Richard Riccardi are satirizing every thing within reach of a piano, specializing in progressive parody. Over 35 million views on social media. ... more

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